Atheist, agnostic, seeker, believer- these four words summarize my spiritual journey thus far- a Delhi boy-a prospective ‘senior citizen’, who, as a restless & impatient youngster, was a self-proclaimed atheist. During this stretched phase, I discarded, outright, the premise that there might be an elevated energy source or spiritual flow, something more than we can see, which people call GOD.
Till, when at a relatively young age- in mid-thirties- I suffered two episodes of Tachycardia in quick succession, wherein my heart rate galloped like a horse gone amok. On both occasions, as my worried parents and wife prayed in the waiting lounge outside the ICU, inside, covered in myriad tubes, and surrounded by other equipment, I was fully aware as to what was going on.
The 1st episode was in 2004.
It shook me to the core.
As my wife drove me to the hospital, late evening on a Saturday, I thought that it was nothing less than a massive cardiac arrest, and end of the road for me. That I am here, penning this tale, makes it apparent that I survived the scare-as the doctors working on me successfully aborted the condition before it could cause much harm. Fully stabilized, I was discharged from hospital in a few days. Still weak, I settled onto the rear seat of the car with the support of my wife. However, as we moved out, instinctively, I glanced at the gate of the medical facility from where I had just come out. And probably, for the first time, it stuck me, that other than the wishes and blessings of my dear ones, there might be an unseen hand which had guided me to safety.
The feeling was reinforced in 2006, when I had my 2nd encounter with Tachycardia.
Again, while in ICU, I was fully aware of my surroundings, to an extent that I could discern what was transpiring across the curtain, on the adjoining bed- where doctors confabulated, in hushed tones- but just loud enough for my ever-alert ears to pick up- that the stranger, that unknown stranger, in a way my neighbour that night, had succumbed to his sickness. Already in emotional turmoil, I felt a lump develop in my throat, even as my eyes were moist. Beyond that, I heard that the ‘body’ be shifted at the earliest, to make space for anyone else who might come along at that unearthly hour. By now, my heartbeat was reined in, but before I slipped into a medicine induced stupor, I listened to the commotion as the staff removed the ‘body’, even as a next set of helpers sanitized the bed.
In the morning, still groggy, I overheard the course of treatment for the ‘new’ patient. Fortunately, this time as well, I was discharged within 72 hours of admission. While recuperating, I struggled with the demons within- on the transience of life, and the abruptness of death- at the end of which I found myself searching for something, seeking something.
Always a sceptic, my search turned out to be a long-drawn affair- spanning close to two decades. Somewhere along this trajectory, I became an astute businessman, always in bargaining mode, with what I perceived is the manifestation of something ‘superior’-when a ‘deal’ went through, I took a tentative step forward on my path to becoming a believer, but, if the deal collapsed, I instantly took two steps backwards. This see-saw was very tardy and emotionally debilitating, often leading me to a point where I almost thought of abandoning the ‘search’.
But destiny had charted a different route for me.
10th December 2024-
I suffered severe abdominal pain. It was diagnosed as a majorly inflamed appendix, and the surgeon recommended immediate surgery. Despite my outward bravado and bluster, at heart I have always been weak kneed, and the news was a bombshell. The prospect of going under the blade had the potential to trigger my heartbeat, which would have delayed the surgery, and probably put me at risk. Fortunately, all the cardiac tests were normal, and on 11th December 2024, I was wheeled into the operation theatre.
As I sat in the waiting room till final arrangements were made in OT 1, earmarked for me, I became aware of the two other souls accompanying me- for OT nos. 2 and 3- a young man, maybe in his mid-thirties, and a lady, almost my age. While the former did not exhibit any overt signs of anxiety, the lady seemed in the same state of mind as me. As is my wont, I tried to start a conversation, to showcase-obviously falsely- that I didn’t care two hoots for what was about to come. But I was met with a stony silence, till I was taken ‘inside’ and laid on the operation table.
Before being guided into general anaesthesia, I was blinded by the sharp glare of the lights overhead- in which I visualized the messenger of death, or the light at the end of the tunnel. When I came around in the recovery room, as the effects of anaesthesia wore off, I was informed that it had been a successful procedure and that I would recover fully. Despite the discomfort, I was relieved to find myself alive. It was to be quite a painful, and prolonged recovery, aggravated by my diabetic condition, but, finally, I realized that the ‘business model’ will not work, as there is no one on the other side who is interested in give and take.
So, it is at this point that I am currently positioned-never have I believed, more than I do now, that there is some form of “GOD’ driving us- by whatever name we call that energy flow or spiritual force.
Musings of a Delhi Boy 